My Thoughts in Mary's Shoes.

Have you ever thought of what Mary thought?

I’ve questioned this a lot. I’ve heard many comments by peers in institute, church, or just in a general discussion where they’ve tried to imagine themselves in Mary’s experience. 

She’s just been given the calling of a lifetime, and – she feels inadequate to bring it to pass.

The typical thoughts mirror our own when we receive a calling that’s “out of our league.”

Why me? Doesn’t God know about all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past? Doesn’t he know about all the times I’ve screwed up in the past 24 hours? Is this just a calling to repent? Doesn’t he see I’m just a girl? Or just a boy? Doesn’t he see that I’ve never had any experience in this miraculous calling? I can’t do that.

Mary had quite the experience. She was truly visited by the angel, Gabriel, and bore the Son of God.

Luke 1: 27-31

 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary.

  And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

  And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

  And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

  And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.

Many of us have experiences that we would deem, “miraculous.” Enchanting, perhaps. Some may go as far as, any of the following: incredible, unbelievable, amazing, or remarkable.

However… Was there ever a time when we discounted our own experience because of our lacking faith?

When we get an answer to our prayer and feel the Spirit, how often do we tell ourselves later, “Maybe I was just making it up in my head?”

I think it would have been hard for Mary to do this in her situation.

When she went through her days, did she question her perfect son and his mission?

Do we wonder about our testimonies? How many times do we hesitate as past promptings or inspiration that have led us to a life that we now live? What’s the perfect word for the emotion that Satan smothers us with that second guesses every upright thought we have?

An apostle said it perfectly with,

We can never deny our Savior. Jesus Christ is our light in the darkness. He has helped us through everything thus far, and will continue to lead us according to our willingness and desire. He loves us perfectly and will see passed our doubts, even when we don’t. Our part is doing our best to listen to him and to align our will with His. I know this to be true. 

My Thoughts in Mary's Shoes.

Have you ever thought of what Mary thought?

I’ve questioned this a lot. I’ve heard many comments by peers in institute, church, or just in a general discussion where they’ve tried to imagine themselves in Mary’s experience. 

She’s just been given the calling of a lifetime, and – she feels inadequate to bring it to pass.

The typical thoughts mirror our own when we receive a calling that’s “out of our league.”

Why me? Doesn’t God know about all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past? Doesn’t he know about all the times I’ve screwed up in the past 24 hours? Is this just a calling to repent? Doesn’t he see I’m just a girl? Or just a boy? Doesn’t he see that I’ve never had any experience in this miraculous calling? I can’t do that.

Mary had quite the experience. She was truly visited by the angel, Gabriel, and bore the Son of God.

Luke 1: 27-31

 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary.

  And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

  And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

  And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

  And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.

Many of us have experiences that we would deem, “miraculous.” Enchanting, perhaps. Some may go as far as, any of the following: incredible, unbelievable, amazing, or remarkable.

However… Was there ever a time when we discounted our own experience because of our lacking faith?

When we get an answer to our prayer and feel the Spirit, how often do we tell ourselves later, “Maybe I was just making it up in my head?”

I think it would have been hard for Mary to do this in her situation.

When she went through her days, did she question her perfect son and his mission?

Do we wonder about our testimonies? How many times do we hesitate as past promptings or inspiration that have led us to a life that we now live? What’s the perfect word for the emotion that Satan smothers us with that second guesses every upright thought we have?

An apostle said it perfectly with,

We can never deny our Savior. Jesus Christ is our light in the darkness. He has helped us through everything thus far, and will continue to lead us according to our willingness and desire. He loves us perfectly and will see passed our doubts, even when we don’t. Our part is doing our best to listen to him and to align our will with His. I know this to be true. 

I am a runner.

I am a runner. 

I run from the first sign of unhappiness. I run from fear of getting hurt. I run when I face contention, drama, hate. I run fast.

 And I don’t come back.

Once at my new destination, I make a new home. 

New life, new family, new friends, and almost always a new place. At least a new place in my heart is closed off and I don’t look back at it anymore.

There have been plenty of people who have tried to make themselves my finish lines. They spread themselves out across the pavement as a black and white checkered sheet. But I see past the transparency act, and can sense a lie trying to trap me. 

You are not my finish line.

And just as easily as I found it, I’m off running again.

It hurts running after a while.

Of course, I’ve run from everything bad. And that’s not what upsets me. It’s leaving the good with it. I miss the ones who called me their own once upon a time. I miss the homes I’ve made. Every runner needs a finish line, but mine will always be a 10k away.

“Come unto me.” The words leave me out of breath.

“All ye that are heavy laden.” I think that’s me. Years of running is finally catching up to my lungs and heart.

“I will give you rest.” I feel like I’m on mile 8 of my marathon, and I’m not sure I’ll make it.

Learning about Jesus Christ is lifesaving. Truly, I’m able to trust him because he’s done everything for me. By taking on my transgressions, sins, sorrows, illnesses, and pains he has opened up a whole new life for me to live. I do not need to dwell on the difficult parts of my life, and can more fully appreciate and expand on the more beautiful parts.

I need not run from Christ, but to him. 

Christ is my finish line. 

Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.

I’ve been home from my mission for 6 months now, and I think it’s time to talk.

"Some things need to be believed in order to be seen."

Normally, I hate talking about things like this. It’s my trial and I need to find my way through it. I need to deal with my feelings on my time and do it in my way. But honestly, let’s just cut the crap and get down to it.

First of all, I need something to be set straight. My 18 month mission in Buenos Aires, Argentina wasn’t a part time thing.

One of the most precious families I had the privilege to meet. Maria Ester unfortunately passed away after I left the area. She was the strongest, most diligent saint I had ever met.

I lived in Argentina, breathed that air, drank that water (regrettably), and ate those milanesas (gratefully).

And the cheese and onion pizza...

I spoke with people daily in a language that is not my own, including the companions assigned to be with me 24/7, the people on the street, the members of the church, the doctors, police, and politicians.

I dedicated my thoughts to loving these people who were wonderful. They were generous, outrageous, extraordinary, and sometimes outright weird. They loved us, let us in to their homes and their lives, they fed us and sometimes clothed us on cold, wet, winter days.

This would be one of those times when we were poured down on, and a member literally gave us clothes to wear.

And you know what? They even rejected us. Some spit on us, some cursed at us, and others yelled or simply walked away from us. The commandments aren’t everyone’s cup of tea- or hot cocoa, depending on your stand on the Word of Wisdom. When we would teach the commandments and someone didn’t like what we had to say, who do you think got the wrath?

When it's the right time, you're blessed with a baptism. That's what our faces are screaming in this picture.

Some people would be so happy to be out of this situation. Each day so different from the other, not being able to tell if you’re coming or going. Not knowing where you’ll go next or who you’ll meet- or won’t. There’s ups and downs, excitement and boredom. There’s times where you cry so hard you fall asleep easy, and times where you laugh so hard you pee your pants.

I miss it. All of it.

I’ll stop stalling and get down to it.

When I returned home from my mission 6 months ago, I lost all my desire to read my scriptures. Yes- the very word I had been preaching for a year and a half of my life. I didn’t want to pray anymore. I didn’t want to tell Heavenly Father all my complaints and woes of my “incredibly terrible life.” I tried counting my blessings, and found myself only longing for home- my new home that I had made for myself. Nothing was the same, including me.

Upon arriving home, I had an extra day or two until I was released because my family actually lives completely outside of the stake, and mission from where I lived. 

When I finally went to see my stake president, I had plenty of mixed emotions. We sat down, got to talking, and then it happened. He told me that being released wasn’t like being set apart, there was no blessing involved. As he started to thank me on behalf of the stake for the service I had offered, I felt precious parts of me leaving. Looking back on it now, it must have been the mantle of spiritual and physical protection coming off of me.

The next thing I know I was on my way to Houston, Texas to work and save money for school that I would eventually get to. Some pipe dreams do come true. Although, those were hard months leading up to my time at BYU-Idaho. I was completely secluded with no friends, in a new place, without a sidekick (I didn’t want to say “companion,” but… yeah). While I’m saying this, I should point out that it wasn’t all bad. I had amazing spiritual support, a bishop who was on the ball and very personable. Making friends was different, but not impossible. Work was… Well, it wouldn’t have been work if it wasn’t trying.

My friend Rebecca was a huge blessing to me. She even served in the same mission as me just years apart!

Now I’m here, in Rexburg.

And this was just a rainy day...

If you didn’t know, it’s freezing- almost all the time. Although, it’s been fun. I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve made some memories in this first semester. I’ve also come to realize a few things.

You know you're good people if you all wear the same pants.

 Life after the mission is hard. I’ve never been as depressed as I have been lately. I could go on about needing the sense of belonging, or how much I miss speaking Spanish. I’ll never stop talking about feeling the presence of the Spirit all the time. My mission president and his wife will forever be family to me and I will never stop thinking of the missionaries from my mission as angels sent just for me- to help teach me and help me convert more and more to this amazing gospel. Missing the people of Argentina and the ones just like me who came from far to do what we knew was right, does not begin to explain the amount of emptiness I feel.

 Heavenly Father loves me. He knows me. He’s always been there and has never stopped blessing me. He will always listen to me and guide me to do the right thing. He is so very mindful of me and shows it every time I meet someone new or go to a new place. I’m not alone in this feeling, and he will never intend for me to be alone. The scriptures do, in fact, help. Prayer changes things, and brings miracles to pass.

 I love my Savior so much. I’ve never loved someone like I love him and I’ve never longed for someone’s presence like I do for his. That’s why I miss Argentina.